Tag Archives: disappointments

Unspoken Words

These words bounded within me,
they bruise me, hurt me and burden me.

They want to get out,
they need to be said out loud.

Sometimes it gets hard to keep them inside,
to try and sleep while they lie beside.

I wish they were like leaves on a tree,
once dead they would have fallen and left me free.

But its a wish that cannot be true,
’cause these words just keep piercing me like a screw.

I want to unload, unburden myself,
to throw away all that’s on my heart’s shelf.

Every now and then, to the limit of stagnation,
I try so hard to mould these words, out of my tears, anger and frustration.

So many times in my head,
till it breaks me to dropdead,

I keep tossing them, not that I complain
one time and then again and again.

I feel I would succeed this time,
to break the glass with their chime.

The words within me,
The walls that I had to be.

But the moment I turn them out,
by peeling my skin inside out.

I see my chance slipping away by yards,
my unspoken words falling like a house of cards.

It’s your words that all I hear,
sinking mine to my fear.

And before I can realize,
it’s me, once again who pays the price.

You tell what you think,
your learnings, memories and whatever that links.

Once again I lost the battle of words,
the hope to get them out into this world.

The hope of you to listen, not just hear,
to help me out, not leave things unclear.

But may be this is the way it all has to be,
there’s no such thing here called as a key.

To unlock whats locked in me,
to let you near what all that you cannot see.

These words would just be within me,
killing, tearing and bruising the inside of me.

But does it matter, any of it all?
’cause I know at the doorstep of your heart,
my words are going to fall.

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The Newspaper technique Vs Ours

Torn Paper

I am the eldest sister to my two brothers. The youngest brother being a special child. He is an autistic child, mostly dependent on us for various things. Though by God’s grace he does not have the highest degree of autism and still is very much capable of doing some usual necessary things on a daily basis.
He can get up out of the bed in the morning, brush his teeth, eat food, can manage to take a bath, wear clothes on his own(and is very much choosy in that area! Very!!) and various other things.
Although to eat he needs to be served, to take a bath he needs us to check the water’s temperature first, since he had a bad experience with extremely hot water once, he needs our support sometimes while walking or climbing stairs and many other things.
He manages everything while having occasional outbursts and tough times for him as well as for us.
Although lately he has developed another habit, which we are trying hard to get rid of. He tears every paper he lays his eyes on, into numerous little pieces, one by one. Daily newspapers, sometimes even the unread ones, important memos, diaries, notes, every possible thing! No matter how soft or how harsh way we try on him, we would always find tiny hundreds of torn out paper pieces peeping through every drawer, books(with only the hardcover left with the whole content in tiny pieces lying inside them) and every possible place he thinks is hidden from us. It is annoying, it is frustrating.
But today I got a chance of actually learning to look at it differently or say it actually taught me to look at everything else differently, while in the middle of a little “mutual induction” situation at home.
Now you must be wondering “Mutual induction situation?”
Yeah, mutual induction!
What is basically a mutual induction?
” The production of an electromotive force in a circuit resulting from a change of current in a neighbouring circuit.”
Now that is an electrical phenomena, but let’s see it in a other way.
You had a fight with your friend, you come home all fumed up with anger and frustration. At home your mother have prepared family’s favourite dessert, your father had just returned from an outdoor tour and everyone at home is looking forward to having a good family time. You enters home still submerged in your frustration. And every inch of you is angry and in disgust which is visible to every eye. But somehow your parents tries to lighten you up, your sister tries to tease you so that you’d smile. But BOOM! You already have too much problems to handle than laugh at her silly jokes or sit and spend a good time with your family. And one by one your frustration, stress, annoyance, depression is being reflected on each one sitting at the dinner table. And the to-be good family time becomes a stressful time for everyone.
“The production of stressful force in everyone else resulting from a changing negative force in you.”

So sitting there disgusted at the way things turned out entirely opposite to what was expected, I heard a repeated sound, of newspaper being torn apart. I, immediately again disgusted was about to scold my brother when suddenly a thought crippled up in my mind. Is this, a better way to combat stress? Tearing newspaper is a way he combats his stress(Although he usually do that away from everybody’s sight). At that time, he too was affected by the whole environment, hence he started tearing the nearest newspaper he could lay his hands on.
So I wondered, which is better?
Tearing newspapers or tearing emotions apart?
Making pieces out of a paper or out of our loved one’s minimal expectations?
Like many other times, this time too I felt my brother’s intelligence way above than ours!
Like how he forgets our scoldings or bad behaviour within some moments and laughs, talks and enjoy with us as if nothing happened.
How he puts a pure form of trust on us without a speck of doubt in his mind. How he happily, hardly without any fuss, eat the meal we provide to him. How he trusts our judgement of the water’s temperature while he goes to bath, even after having a terrifying experience with hot water.
How he trusts us that we will not leave his hand while he climbs up the stairs.

Can we forgive others so easily? Can we trust even ourselves with that kind of trust, let alone others!
How often do we trust others judgement of our problems, our sufferings. We just believe that our problems, our sufferings are greater than what others think.
It’s hard for us to shrug off our problems outside the door, to wipe off our stress and anger on the doormat before entering in. It’s hard for us to forget about something that bothers us, for a moment and enjoy the time with our loved ones who looks up to us.

We have got a lot to learn from my brother and many more of others like him.
We love him a lot, but the enormous amount of love and affection that we receive from him is just ineffable. If you are fortunate enough to somehow know an autistic person, you know what exactly I’m talking about. We love him a lot, he’s the apple of our eyes and just about everyone who knows him. He’s just a great source of positivity. I hope to learn myself a lot from him and wish that you too learned a bit today.
Like my sweet little brother, never let that SMILE leave your enlightening face. 🙂

P.S: Though, My family and I, are trying hard to help him to get rid of this “newspaper tearing habit”. If anyone of you have some great (and possibly sure) way to help us improve and understand him better, so that we can help him with this. Please be kind to let me know. I will be very grateful. Thanks in advance! 🙂

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Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Thankful to: tagxedo.com

Thankful to: tagxedo.com for the image

Okay! Okay! I know we are nowhere near thanksgiving yet. But c’mon just think for a while, why can’t we celebrate this great day all round the year! Though I’m not a Christian by religion but neither am I restricted to one. I respect every religion and will definitely be celebrating all with my kids in the coming future once I reach that stage of my life. Oh! By the way, I am 23 right now, and yeah I know I’m such a day dreamer :-P.

So, basically all that I know about thanksgiving is that this day is been celebrated every year as a day to be thankful of the blessings that has been bestowed upon us by the Almighty in every way. I hope that is primarily correct and I might still be unknown to some details which I am sure to be filled in by you all. I’d be very happy to add it all to my knowledge:-). And that’s one things to be thankful to internet and the blogging platform for making it easy for us to share our thoughts, experiences and knowledge with one another.
And I would also like to be thankful to God and that boy who today, made me realize that how much blessed I am. That instead of counting the things that I don’t have, I haven’t accomplished (despite of the fact that I am working hard my way through to it). I am forgetting what I have, what all I have accomplished, what I’m blessed with, even without asking for.
Today being a beautiful weather after 3 days of non stop rains and occasional storms, I was sitting in the small yet beautiful sort-of-a garden of ours. Thoughts of several failures, unmet goals, incomplete dreams were crawled up in my mind. Feeling low I was gazing onto the empty road into nothing, when a bike roared through, distracting my “nothingness”. I naturally looked up disgusted, resuming to my surroundings. My eyes stayed with the bike till it reached to the side of the road where a boy of somewhat same age as of the boy riding the bike, was standing. But he was not as same as the bike boy. Even in this weather when I’m wearing layers, he was just in a single dusty t-shirt and a shabby dirty pair of pants. His eyes didn’t left the bike until it was gone. He still stood there gazing into that direction for a while, but then started walking to the other side of the road. On reaching there he shook his head as if to wake himself up from some dream and walked on.
I still couldn’t forget the hint of despair in him as he walked on with his head and eyes lowered to the ground. At that moment ,my mind had been emptied up from all of my own disappointments. I forgot my problems, my life’s shortcomings. I have all that a person would ask out of his/her life! Why am I still in despair about things which I still, am very much capable and able to do! I can think of, plan of and still work on all the desired luxuries, all the achievements, all the extra cherry toppings over my already sweet and delicious cupcake life that I want to have!! But there are millions of people in this world who aren’t even sure about their next day’s meal!!
Shouldn’t I be thankful to God for blessing me with a beautiful life! A life full of love and support from my loving parents, two great brothers and so many beautiful friends!
Even if I am unable to get into great college or couldn’t have a better job or anything, I still am sure enough that I will be sleeping comfortably with full stomach under the safety of my sweet home’s roof! How ignorant we become of everything we have in the never so ending marathon of getting bigger and better lives.
Dreams are a part of every person’s life, even that boy who for a moment imagined himself riding such a bike, owning such a bike. No one should ever stop dreaming, not even that boy. But does it mean that we should forget all that we already posses! No! Definitely not!
But we still do! We all forget that God has blessed us with a life where we can live happily in the present and can still make our dreams come true with all that we’ve got at this moment. Lets not waste anymore of these moments full of blessings in crying over what we don’t have. Let’s be happy and thankful to everything we have in our lives. And for a moment, lets just pray to God to bless that boy and many millions other to have a life full of blessings, to own such luxuries, but most importantly to sleep happily with full stomach and a calm assurance of tomorrow’s meal for themselves and their families, sleeping happily within the warm arms of the walls and under the safe roof of their sweet homes 🙂

So shed off all the disappointments, all the complaints against God, for whatever we couldn’t have. And celebrate each day as a day to be thankful of all the beautiful blessings that we tend to forget and take for granted.
Be happy, blessed and thankful. And SMILE 🙂

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